Learning Chinese

Another email joke in my inbox:

Nag-aaral ako sa La Salle . Ang dami kong kaklaseng Intsik. Apelyidong Uy, Lim, Tan, Co, Go, Chua, Chi, Sy, Wy, at kung anu-ano pa. Pero sa kanilang lahat kay Gilbert Go ako naging malapit. Mayaman si Gilbert kaya mangyari pa, madalas siya ang taya sa tuwing gigimik ang barkada. Isang araw na-ospital ang kanyang ama. Sinamahan ko siya sa pagdalaw. Nasa ICU na noon ang kanyang ama dahil sa stroke. Naron din ang ilan sa kanyang malalapit na kamag-anak. Nag-usap sila. Intsik ang kanilang usapan.... hindi ko maintindihan. Pagkatapos ng ilang minutong usap-usap, nagkayayaan nang umuwi. Maiwan daw muna ako at pakibantayan ang kanyang ama habang inihahatid nya ang kanyang mga kamag-anak palabas ng ospital. Lumipat ako sa gawing kaliwa ng kama ng kanyang ama para ilapag ang mga iniwan nilang mga gamit na kakailanganin ng magbabantay sa ospital. Nang akmang ilalapag ko na ay biglang nangisay ang matanda. Hinahabol nya ang kanyang hininga... Kinuyom nya ang kanyang palad at paulit-ulit siyang nagsalita ng wikang intsik na hindi ko maintindihan. "Di ta guae yong khee"..... "Di ta guae yong khee"... "Di ta guae yong khee".. paulit-ulit nya itong binigkas bago siya malagutan ng hininga. Pagbalik ni Gilbert ay patay na ang kanyang ama. Ikinagulat nya ang pangyayari ngunit marahil ay tanggap na rin nya na papanaw na ang kanyang ama. Walang tinig na namutawi sa kanyang bibig. Ngunit iyon na yata ang pinakamasidhing pagluha na nasaksihan ko. Nagpa-alam muna ako, dahil siguradong magdadatingin uli ang kanyang mga kamag-anak. Sumakay ako ng taksi pauwi. Habang nasa taksi.. tinawagan ko ang iba pa naming kabarkada. Una kong tinawagan si Noel Chua. Dahil marunong si Noel mag-intsik, tinanong ko muna kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng "Di ta guae yong khee". "Huwag mong apakan ang oxygen. "... "Bakit saan mo ba narinig 'yan?".

The Blushing Bride

another one through mail i feel might be good for those who needs to laugh

The Blushing Bride

The new bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me?"

"OK sweetheart. Let's say your private place is the 'prison' and call my private thing the 'prisoner'. So what we do is, we'll put the prisoner in the prison"...

so he put the prisoner in the prison they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy lies face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. His bride giggles, nudges him and says, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we'll have to re-imprison him, won't we?"

After the second time the guy reaches for his cigarettes, but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience, gives him another suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but, with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal! Afterwards he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Darling, the prisoner escaped again."

Turning his head he tells her wearily, "Honey, it's not a life sentence, OKAY?"

for laughs..

Sharing what I got in my mail today

Anger Management

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello" I politely said, "This is Fred. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fukin' number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with Robert, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a Asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'Asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a Asshole!". It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "Asshole" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said "Hi, this is John Smith from the phone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, that's because you're a Asshole!"

Then one day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first Asshole (I had his number on speed dial by this stage,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover Asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 221 William Street. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed." "Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a Asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two Assholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1. "Hello?" "You're a Asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Steve Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "I live at 221 William Street, a terraced house. There's a gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, Asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll do what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, Asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 221 William Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the hood war going down on William Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to William Street. I got there just in time to watch two Assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. Now I feel MUCH better. Take it from me, anger management really works...